1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market. – Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street. – Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar – Jay Leno
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures. – Jay Leno
9. President Bush’s response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21. – Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s.
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET – A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER – A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – An archaic word no longer in use.